Special Notice: Be sure to check back next Tuesday, June 28 for a special blog post. I will describe the experience I had this past weekend when my blog site was featured on WordPress.com. For those of you who found this blog last weekend and stick around until next Tuesday, I think you will especially appreciate it.
Why is it so hard to forgive somebody? When someone has hurt you, it’s natural to want to withhold forgiveness. What are you really doing when you withhold forgiveness.
I find that I don’t forgive because I have lost trust in the person who hurt me. I simply don’t trust that they won’t hurt me again. Sometimes I think about how they don’t deserve to be forgiven. How could someone who treated me so badly deserve to be forgiven. Not forgiving others is a way for me to punish their misbehavior.
When I don’t forgive, I am actually punishing myself more than the person I am trying to punish. I need to forgive so that I can move on with my life. Holding to my forgiveness places a burden on me.
A favorite quote I found in my great grandfather’s bible said, “He who forgives ends the quarrel.”
Forgiveness is necessary when a situation is unacceptable or offends you. It is not the same as excusing, pardoning, accepting, or understanding.
I’ve been hurt by friends, family, and the people I work with. I worked for a guy once who enjoyed lead by intimidation. He really seemed to enjoy keeping his people who worked for him unsure of how he would react to decisions we made. In time I grew angry at him for keeping me so unsure of myself. What it really came down to is that I didn’t trust him.
To forgive someone:
- Identify why it is that you can’t forgive? Are you punishing the other person, do you not trust them?
- Acknowledge that you are withholding forgiveness. You are the only person who can decide to grant forgiveness. The person who you need to forgive probably doesn’t know that you need to forgive them.
- Tell someone about it. Until you talk it through with someone, you will have a difficult time forgiving them. How is withholding forgiveness holding you back. The simple act of the conversation can help you forgive.
- Forgive them. When you forgive someone, it is a gift to yourself, not a gift for them. The person may never acknowledge that you have forgiven them. Expect that and move on with your life without the burden of forgiveness on you.
I learned to forgive my old boss. He taught me a great lesson in being true to myself and not allowing anyone to intimidate me. After I left that company, I vowed never to be intimidated again. After more than 10 years, I can say that I am rarely intimidated by someone. I am able to live this way now because of the forgiveness I was able to give.
Who do you need to forgive right now? What is keeping you from forgiving them? When have you forgiven someone who didn’t deserve your forgiveness?
“My forgettary has been just as important to my success as my memory”
Henry Miller.
Well said.
Great topic this morning Chris. For many years I held onto my forgiveness for most things, many of them petty things. I realized not long ago that one of the greatest outcomes of forgiving others is the liberation I give myself. I forgive, so that I can relax and move forward.
Thanks Chris.
You are exactly right Ray.
Nice post. I think so many people withhold forgiveness because they think in order to do so the person who hurt them must apologize or admit their wrongdoing. If we always waited for that, we would be miserable people! It’s hard to learn that, as you said, forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It really has nothing to do with the other person in my opinion — it does not mean you are choosing to trust that person again, be close to them, excuse their behavior, etc. It’s just about choosing to no longer let it eat away at you. Thanks for writing about this. I think it’s something we all struggle with.
Thanks for your comment Caryn. You summed up this post beautifully.
I have found that sometimes I have to forgive over and over and over until it finally sticks. And I think the hardest one to forgive is myself but just as important as forgiving others.
Great point. I have to forgive myself too. Thanks for your comment.
Thank you!
Nice post!
Hello from Latvian girl in United Kingdom…
Have a nice day, Christopher…
)
You too.
I think its hard to forget people who treat us unfairly. BUT you know, it takes more energy to stay mad at someone. Forgiveness is an act that allows you to suck it up a and be the bigger person, and allows your heart and your conscience to be free and clear of any hindrances toward that person. That way you can move on in life and God can step in and truly work. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that we have to have contact with that person ever again in life… It means we have let go to live our lives to the fullest, and to learn from our lessons.
Very true that it takes more energy to stay mad. Thanks for your comment and additional thoughts. This really adds to the value of the blog.
Hi Chris, I heard an analogy on forgiveness that I will never forget; unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die- it’s exactly like you said the person you are withholding forgiveness from may have no clue, so why torture yourself?
It may be a long road to get to, but its a worthy journey. Only one person came in mind when I read this post, but because I’m still so angry over the situation, I don’t think I can jump straight to forgiveness just yet. I am conscious about it, though.
I’ve heard that quote before. It is perfect for this post. Thanks for adding it to your comment. I also have someone that I struggle forgiving. Like you say it is a worthy journey. I love your blog. http://globetracer.wordpress.com/
[...] I left that job, I made a promise to myself never to be intimidated by someone again. I have since forgiven him mainly because I recognized my responsibility to make the decision lead my own life. To [...]
Two people inastntly come to mind when I think forgiveness My husband and my step-dad. All through high school, my step-dad (who has now admitted to this, since finding Christ) did everything in his power to make my life harder. I was already struggling with depression and self-esteem issues because I had just started to really make friends when they decided to get married. We had to move to the other side of the country. I had an even harder time making friends in California. I didn’t agree with a lot of things my peers were doing, I was extremely shy and just packed on another shell to hide my true self when we moved, and on top of that, my step-dad refused to ever let me leave the house without the rest of the family. He has changed a lot, but in some ways he hasn’t. I still have some problems with him, although I’ve learned better, more mature ways to deal with these problems. I’ve forgiven him for a lot but I am definitely still a long way from the end of that journey. As for my husband, we have just had a LOT f ups and extreme downs. With both people I listed, there was a lot of emotional/psychological abuse as well as small amounts of physical abuse. That is something that I have always been afraid of and felt I would never be able to forgive someone for. I CAN’T forgive someone for it. However, I have given it to God and he can cleanse that from our lives and our minds. Things are not fully resolved, but we are working to eliminate these things and to forgive and leave the past in the past.
Aww thanks, I was trying to find you on Twitter- im @TracitaLinda.
Mine is @IamChristopherJ